I think it’s a great list, and since I’m in a bit of a creative rut while searching for a new job, here’s 10 Music Peeves I’d Throw Down a Black Hole.

1) Blatant mistakes in recordings

Having been involved in a few semi-professional recordings, I understand that sometimes you are under time pressure and that you might not have enough of whatever storage medium your audio engineer is using to document the performance. But seriously, in professional, commercial recordings there is no excuse for huge mistakes. It’s like leaving a blooper in a movie instead of taking it out and putting it in the “extra features” on the DVD. For an example, watch (and listen to) the last episode in Fantasia 2000. Towards the end of Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite, a series of loud timpani strokes separate brass chorales. Tension builds as the brass chorales lengthen, but suddenly there’s a huge aural hole as the timpanist just completely misses, forgets, or neglects to hit the low E-flat (just as the green flying lady opens her wings to shower colored leaves everywhere), in some ways the most powerful note of the entire piece. I can’t imagine what James Levine had to say about that.

2) The over-romanticization of soloists

Yeah I know, the artist-as-hero conception has been around since Beethoven. While some credit does need to be given for those who decide that a career as a section instrumentalist is not for them, what people need to realize is that in many cases the concert master or mistress is just as technically adept as Joshua Bell. Not all instruments are equal in this regard- the piano is, by nature, a solo instrument- but the label of “virtuoso” seems to be overused these days and in my opinion takes away from the status such a title implies. Vladimir Horowitz and Sergei Rachmaninov were virtuosi; Lang Lang is an exceptional pianist. There’s a big difference.

3) Audiophiles

Audiophiles are those who listen to their equipment more than the music they should be listening to. Newsflash: no matter how “good” your speakers are, they’ll always be limited by the room you put them in. Headphones and sound cards “help,” but sound in the absolute sense doesn’t exist. “Concert hall quality” means nothing- there are outstanding concert halls and utterly horrible ones. Concentrate on the music, not the equipment.

4) Overpopulization of bad music

This happens in every genre I suppose, but due to the somewhat abstract nature of classical music it’s particularly damaging. George Gershwin wrote other music on a significantly higher musical plane than Rhapsody in Blue. While Geoffrey Rush certainly played David Helfgott brilliantly in Shine, the second and fourth piano concerti are generally more highly regarded than the third. Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture really deserves to go the way of Beethoven’s Wellington’s Victory (that is, totally forgotten and never played) yet despite the ridiculously and almost insultingly crude transition towards the end of the piece (you know, the boring sequence of four-note descents played by the strings just before the coda) it still gets played at every Pops concert on the planet. I could go on, but you get the picture. Just because it’s played often doesn’t mean it’s worth anything.

5) Conductors becoming bigger than the orchestras they conduct

The celebrity conductor is not as old as the celebrity composer (Mozart) or the celebrity soloist (also Mozart), but the celebrity conductor seems to have taken off in recent years. I’m not saying that this very exclusive club is undeserving of praise, I simply would like to point out that their success is possible because of the immense collection of talent following (most of the time ignoring) his or her baton. CD titles that read, “Rattle conducts Britten” or “James Levine and the Metropolitan Symphony Orchestra” have their precedence reversed.

6) Modern Classical

This is definitely a taste issue, but I honestly can’t stand modern music. When I was playing with a semiprofessional orchestra in Boston they had commissioned a piece from a local composer and were premiering it at NEC. I remember getting the part and literally not knowing which way to place the page on my music stand. Time signatures alternated at 60 Hz and there was no discernable structure that I nor my colleagues could find. One day I was helping the director move equipment and he asked me what I thought about it, and wanting to be polite all I could manage to say was that it was “certainly different.” He then told me in no uncertain terms, “I can’t believe we wasted our money on this.” To each their own.

7) Collection junkies

Everybody knows one guy or gal that constantly keeps you updated on the size of their music library. “Man my iTunes library just passed 90 gigabytes.” Wow, great- hope you don’t get your bandwidth throttled from overusing bittorrent. Even if it’s acquired legally, nobody cares. You cannot possibly listen to all of your music on a regular basis, and if you’re human your listening preferences will fixate on a very small fraction of your collection for a while and then move on. Don’t use your large music library as a starting point for a discussion about Apple “needing” to come out with a larger iPod, and don’t use it as a conversation starter.

Ensembles that aim high. Too high.

Setting aside all of the “reach for the stars” rhetoric, you have to know your limits. Enthusiasm only goes so far, and if you’re in a skill-deficient ensemble you should not be shooting for the moon. Ensembles that overreach sound terrible, it’s embarrassing for the musicians and the conductor, and it makes the audience exceedingly uncomfortable. To any student ensemble director: choose your pieces wisely and hold admission auditions.

9) Weird Album Compilations

“Best of” and “mood” albums drive me nuts. Usually they’re poorly thought out with a jumble of unrelated works thrown together and sold without a second thought. Who wants to listen to 80 minutes of Adagios? Individual movements of symphonies or concertos are seldom intended to be listened to individually without context, even if a movement is “separated” from the rest of the work. Do yourself a favor and buy or listen to complete works. Avoid compilations like the plague!

10) DRM

I understand why DRM exists and what it intends to protect against, but everyone knows that it doesn’t work. Recording companies like to post big statistics about slashed revenue and the total evaporation of the traditional, physical-media based industry- but somehow they’re missing the obvious (or perhaps they’re in denial) fact that the market is leaving their system in the dust. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if they stopped paying software engineers millions to develop easily-circumvented electronic protection systems that and instead hired a few economists or industry leaders to sit down and think about how to revamp their entire business model and bring it into the 21st century.

Those are my ten biggest musical pet peeves. Do you have any? Leave them in the comments.

Technorati Tags: DRM, Stravinsky, Firebird Suite, James Levine, timpanist, recording, media, audiophiles, soloist, Lang Lang, Vladimir Horowitz, 1812 Overture, Shine, Geoffrey Rush, David Helfgott, Rachmaninov, Piano Concerto, symphony, modern music

Anyway, updates are finished for the time being- sorry if you were unable to load the site.

Everyone knows that a homing beacon was planted on the Millenium Falcon that allowed the Death Star to find the hidden Rebel Base on Yavin 4.  What I can’t find (anywhere on the internet, so it must not exist…) is anything saying that the homing beacon was removed.

This would seem to imply that the homing beacon was never removed, thus the opening entire plot of The Empire Strikes Back disintegrates as the next secret Rebel Base on Hoth shouldn’t have been a secret- unless the only sensors capable of receiving signals from that particular beacon were destroyed with the Death Star.  Given that the Galactic Empire was king of standardization- TIE Fighters, Stormtroopers, etc. I find this unlikely.

Wookieepedia states that the XX-23 homing beacon measures 10 centimeters in length.  Because it also shows a picture of a circular device, I’ll assume that it was 10 centimeters in diameter with a full area of around 80 square centimeters.  The given width of the Millenium Falcon, which can be used to calculate its area in a similar way (excluding the front “prongs”), is over 25 meters, for a total area of about 500 square meters.  Taking into account the Falcon’s irregular surface and the task of finding such a small device seems difficult and time consuming at best- time that Han Solo and Chewbacca seemingly didn’t have time to do an exhaustive search.

And now that I think about it some more, why couldn’t the Empire detect the Falcon returning to the Death Star during the Battle of Yavin?  Scramble more fighters to intercept it (not to mention the remaining X-Wings, who should have had literally thousands of fighters to get through in order to even make it to the Trench in the first place)?  But I digress.  If anyone can direct me to where I can convince myself that the homing beacon was/was not removed and that the Empire really was incompetent, please let me know.

Technorati Tags: Star Wars, homing beacon, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Wookiee, Yavin, Empire, A New Hope, Death Star, Millenium Falcon, X-wing, TIE Fighter, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Hoth, Battle of Yavin, superlaser

Technorati Tags: Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Swine Flu, sneeze

Being the student of weird knowledge and trivia that I am, I filled in the blanks…

For those of you that don’t get it, view this Wikipedia article on the subject.

I’m going to go check my apartment for possible points of entry now.

Oops, here’s another captcha letting me know what the internet thinks of me.

Technorati Tags: Ted Bundy, captcha, spam

Unfortunately I don’t know how to edit graphs already submitted to the website (I don’t think you can), but you can view the original here. The only thing I changed was the title.

Technorati Tags: College, pie chart, grades, education, sleep, social life, humor

Why?

• They give me something to read and respond to when I’m bored at work (which is often).
• It gives you an opportunity to point out my factual or subjective errors in reasoning (who doesn’t love that?).
• It’s easy to do. As long as you provide “a” name, “an” email address, and something that isn’t blatantly spam (i.e. no comments of “HUAHhfjsssjsjjjkioOUYATSID”) you can leave one.
• If you have a blog, you can put your website into the field and I will in turn look at it and comment on your posts. More comments mean more people are likely to read the comments, which in turn leads to greater exposure for everyone. Win-win-win!
• You can now edit your comments thanks to the WP Ajax Edit Comments plugin.  I’m investigating some other plugins, but it will take some fiddling with the CSS to make them compatible.  Any suggestions?

As usual, thanks for visiting.  Leave a comment

Update: Specifically, the auto-update for Contact Form 7 and the All-in-one SEO Pack caused several include_once… warnings to appear at the top of every page (including the admin panel). Attempts to solve the issue so far haven’t been successful (or answered on the plugin’s forums), but you’ll notice a new contact form on the About page. And you don’t have to worry about SEO, I’ll take care of that

So for now everything is more or less normal. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get the old plugins working again, I’d be eternally grateful for a fix.

Technorati Tags: bugs, plugins, Wordpress, All in one SEO Pack, Contact Form 7

Got any fun tech support stories to share? Discuss in the comments.

Technorati Tags: flowchart, support, technology, Google, google it, tech support, online help

1. Apple bruises- I’m a pretty big fan of apples. Gala, Pink Lady, even the venerable Granny Smith… all delicious. Refreshingly sweet and healthy, I almost always have a couple in the refrigerator awaiting consumption. However, apple bruises take all of the joy out of eating one. These soft spots not only taste like something is amiss, but they have a spongy, unsatisfying texture coupled with a sickly brown pall. A surprising (to me, anyway) amount of research has gone into the cause and characterization of apple bruises. For example, according to a study done in the Tree Fruit Postharvest Journal, the average number of bruises per fruit were caused by:

Picking (2.6)
Bin hauling (2.2)
Packing line (5.4)
Bagging (2.7)
Distribution (.34-1.45)

Apple bruises have also been characterized by their electrical impedance in a study by the University of Budapest, although sadly I am not able to access the paper without paying. I’m sure it sent shockwaves through the industry when it was first published. No matter how you want to study or classify these defects of nature, the bottom line is that apple bruises suck, big time.

2. Toll Booths- Anyone that has driven with me on a thruway can attest that I never fail to pick the wrong toll lane. Inevitably the driver in front of me drops their quarter, has to fumble through her purse to find her ticket, or the attendant has to go to the next booth over (Frogger style) to get a roll of dimes. I thought Fastlane would solve this problem, but now I just get stuck behind the obedient drivers that actually slow down to 5 miles per hour to go through the scanner. Come on people, I could read the bytes aloud faster at that pace. I’ve gone through those lanes upwards of 40 mph and never had a problem. And what are tolls actually used for? Please don’t tell me “road maintenance”- at least not on the NYS Thruway or Massachusetts Turnpike. Especially in New York it is painfully obvious that tolls absolutely do not go towards maintenance.

3. Cold spots in the Microwave- Lately I’ve been trying to eat more leftovers and generally decrease the amount of food that I waste. I am happy to report that so far it is going reasonably well. As a result, my tupperware sees a lot of use, mostly for saving meal-sized portions in the refrigerator and then heating them up in the microwave. The microwave should work just fine- it has the rotating plate in the middle and several power settings (but who uses anything but “High” in the first place?), but without fail my food always has a cold spot. For some things this isn’t terribly noticeable (although Popcorn is a different story since you end up with a cup of unpopped kernels covered in the salt/butter substitute), but for others…yeah, not so great. I guess nuclear war would be worse, but a close second is taking a big bite of leftover mashed potatoes and having the bottom half burn your tongue while the upper half gives you a cold headache.

4. Turning lanes- Having lived and worked in the Boston metro area and in Geneva, Switzerland, going from one place to the other is a breeze as far as knowing which lane is the turning lane. The trick? Just give up trying immediately. The concept of a turning lane is very simple; on a two lane road, occasionally expand into 3 lanes at an intersection where the center lane is the left-turn lane. Is that too much to ask? I can’t even count the number of times I’ve almost died swerving back into the through-traffic lane on Commonwealth Avenue because of this travesty of logic. Pair this with the universal experience of catching every red light between points A and B and you begin to understand why I hate driving.

5. Things jingling in your bag with each step- I have the type of job where I can bring a backpack to work and not look like a nerd (what’s a nerd in the middle of 2000 other nerds? “Normal.”) Backpacks, let me just say, are awesome. They distribute weight evenly and can hold a lot of stuff. Unfortunately I usually manage to toss my keys or loose change into the outer pocket in such a way that whenever I take a step I sound like Santa is on final approach. Even more annoying is when things only jingle on one step, or you stop to rearrange things, put your bag back on, and it persists.

6. Coins rejected by vending machines- I do not buy things from vending machines very often, mainly because I don’t particularly like anything in them or I can get the same thing cheaper in the grocery store. But in a pinch, vending machines are great for satisfying that late-afternoon craving. What is not great are those quarters that, no matter how many times you run them through, always come right back out the coin return tray. It also seems like vending machine makers purposely build it out of the loudest material possible. Each time the coin hits the tray, the annoying “ding” mocks you and informs everybody in the immediate vicinity that you are being bested by an inanimate food dispenser. And don’t even get me started on the paper-bill slot.

7. Flickering lights- To be honest, I usually don’t know if this is due to my eyes twitching or the lights flickering. The room will momentarily darken, but when I look at the light fixture in question not only do I hurt my eyes but I can never actually observe it flickering. A watched pot never boils, as they say (which actually isn’t true). Naturally this only happens when I am trying to concentrate on a piece of code or if I’m trying to read. I am suddenly alerted that something is amiss and the thought process starts- are my eyes merely twitching again? Should I be worried? Is there a power surge? Are spirits gathering for an attack from the ether?

8. Flathead (slotted) screws- Someone please explain to me the advantage of flathead screws other than being simple to manufacture. The screwdriver always slips out of the slot, they can’t be used by machines, and there are far better options out there that are just as cheap and don’t cam out. Since you’re forced to replace the head of the screwdriver back in the stupid slot, it takes longer to fasten a slotted screw than a comparable [any type] screw. Flathead screwdrivers are a different story, however, as they can actually be used with several different screwheads. I personally have loosened the following types of screws with a flathead screwdriver on various occasions: Slotted, Philips, Pozidriv, Allen, Torx, Clutch, and Spline drive.

9. Online Banking computer verification pages- A great example of a good concept ruined by bad execution, online banks usually ask you to verify the computer you are logging in from by clicking a link in an e-mail they send you. In theory this helps combat identity theft by linking your online banking with a specific computer or small set of computers that you use on a regular basis. Why then do I have to verify my laptop on average of once every 3 logins? Yes, I’ve counted. All I want to do is view my depressingly small balance from the comfort of my home, not be told that I’ve never logged in from my computer before. I imagine that other banks might have a better system or framework behind this process, but Citizen’s Bank/Bank of America apparently haven’t quite figured it out.

10. Viscous substances that take forever to reach the opening of a container- You know what I’m talking about: hopping into the shower only to discover you only have enough shampoo for one more hair-washing before you need to buy more. You open the cap and turn the bottle upside-down, only to start watching the gel flow to the bottom at a pace that is only slightly above glacial. The substance starts flowing down the sides, except for that little bit that gathers in the center of the container and drizzles towards the nozzle. When you were a kid this was fun to induce because you could make cool patterns on the sides of the bottle by rotating it every which way, but now that you’ve grown up it’s just really, really, annoying. This also happens with honey, molasses, and dish soap, and occurs most often when you are under some sort of time pressure.

What annoys the crap out of you? Leave a comment!

Technorati Tags: Lifestyle, annoyances, inconvenience, electronic tolls, vending machines, online banking, apples, apple bruises, fruit, screwdrivers, types of screws, microwaves

Part 1: EMPLOYEES

Decked out in their Jobs-esque minimalist attire and lanyards around their neck, Apple Store employees educate and manage the flock.

The Enthusiastic Specialist- This one is heard before they’re seen. Even though they don’t really know anything about Macs (or computers in general), they’re quick to mention how Macs are “5 times more secure” than Windows before quickly switching to a smooth video demo of the newest iLife suite.  When not harassing a customer, the Enthusiastic Specialist can be found hovering between the iPod and iPhone tables, asking if you need help finding either of them.

The Asian Concierge- You know, the one that is obnoxiously carrying around the Macbook Air and whose sole purpose in life is to press the little radio button next to your name when you arrive for a Genius Bar appointment?

The Hot Girl-  Eye candy for those who bother to look up from those nice, shiny glossy screens.  Upside: almost always friendly and helpful.  Downside?  Doesn’t know a thing about computers.

The Black-Rimmed Glasses Guy/Girl- I must admit that the black-rimmed glasses stereotype is often crossed with any of the others mentioned in this list.  I’ll just abbreviate as BRGG from now on.  The BRGG wanders nebulously between the tables and customers, never actually doing any work besides going into the back of the store to replenish the store’s display stock of iPod accessories.  Occasionally they can be found greeting customers at the door, an instant and gratifying reminder that they are in a place where people Think Different.

The Dour Store Manager- Oh, the toils of a crusader against the evils of Microsoft.  The DSM stands behind his Geniuses and shifts his stare to and fro each of the employees on the show room floor in a manner that would make Sauron green with envy.  Never smiling, he or she moves with surprising speed when leaving their lair- walking in straight lines from point A to B on a mission to SELL.

The Intense Genius- Anyone that has had the experience of repeated visits to the Apple Store can attest to the reality that you never really know which kind you’re going to get.  Personally I’ve found that they are at either end of two main alignments:  Knowleadgeable/Stupid and Helpful/Condescending.  By far the most common breed fits the Knowleadgeable/Condescending combo;  as soon as they get their hands on your laptop they open “About This Mac” to check the serial number and then immediately rip open the battery bay to confirm it.  They then politely explain either how you don’t have AppleCare and replacing your SuperDrive will cost $400 and take 7-10 business days, or how the repair will be free under warranty but will still take 7-10 business days.

The Tall, White, Aspiring Band Leader- This one is all-too-happy to demo the token synthesizer/Mac setup, and usually runs whatever GarageBand workshop the store is holding that week.  With a minimum height of at least 6 feet and usually with some sort of beard and a “hip” haircut, the TWABL sends a strong message: Mac users are of good stock.

The Ex-Wishful Fanboy- (see below for description of “The Wishful Fanboy”) Often the employee of …shall we say, “odd” physical proportions, you can usually tell these from the rest when they start dropping terms like “Unix framework” or “chip architecture” during their pitch.  I never fault them though, they’ve all found their version of heaven on Earth, and it never hurts to have employees that want to espouse their love for the product on a daily basis.

Token Minority- I ultimately decided to put this one in there, but before you start labeling me just realize that I’m simply stating the truth.  There’s always a a person of African descent, from the Asian subcontinent, or a Latino employee weaving between the display tables.  It’s not racism, it’s diversity.

Part 2: CUSTOMERS

Sheep without shephards before being shown the light of OS X.

The Clueless Father-  Usually well dressed in khaki pants, loafers, and a button down shirt, the Clueless father is led in succession from the Macbook to the Macbook Pro to the iMac to the Mac Pro, constantly assaulted with the catchphrases espoused by the Apple faithful.  Sometimes accompanied by a teenage daughter or son who are only excited that they are getting a Mac (and they don’t care which one!  As long as it’s shiny!), the Clueless Father is mainly there for his plastic.

The Teenage Gaggle- This group of middle-school Feist fans huddle around the iPod touch table now that myspace and facebook have been banned from Apple Store computers.  On occasion a member of the Gaggle ventures over to the Macbook table, where they proceed to open Photobooth and take pictures of themselves peering over the edge of the “tunnel” Photobooth effect or giving the Macbook the finger.  After staying for an hour or three sampling all of the music that the iPods have to offer, when pressed by the Black-rimmed Glasses Girl to buy something they usually select the cheapest iTunes Music Store Gift Card available.

The Wishful Fanboy- Ironically, the staunchest defenders of Apple’s generally-more-expensive-for-the-same-equipment pricing structure are those that can afford it least.  Taking a break from their daily rounds to digg to MacRumors to Appleinsider to slashdot, the Wishful Fanboys are generally seen shaking their heads at any demo machine with Parallels or a visible Windows partition or running their fingers and sighing wistfully over the smooth curves of… the newest Macbook Pro.

The iPhone Business Man- This one is easy to spot, since he’s the only person in the entire store wearing respectable clothing of any sort.  This tall, gaunt specimen would be turning a huge profit if his iPhone could give him turn-by-turn directions to his next meeting, so instead he’s frantically tapping out an e-mail to his secretary asking to stall for more time.

The Single Woman with a Broken iPod- While at first glance this one is harder to spot than say, the iPhone Business Man, but the Single Woman with Broken iPod is ever present in the Apple Store.  You know its her because as soon as she sits down at the Genius Bar for an iPod appointment, she pulls out of her gigantic purse a genuine third-generation iPod (or alternatively first-generation Mini, pink) in a silicon case.  After the Intense Genius explains that it will cost almost as much for Apple to fix this as it would to buy a new one, she is handed off to the Enthusiastic Specialist who leads her to the iPod table.

Got any more? Share in the comments. If you liked this post, consider digging it.

Technorati Tags: Apple, iPod, Apple Store, Humor, Satire, stereotypes, iMac, Genius, Mac, Humor, shopping, Macbook, Mac Pro