Black Holes and Snowy Mountains

Sometimes it’s the little things that can really ruin a meal, your morning commute, or even managing your finances. I tried to come up with a somewhat unique list of small things that seem to conspire against me on a daily basis that aren’t as obvious as the all-too-common things that nobody likes such as stubbing your toe or being attacked by a rabid platypus.

1. Apple bruises- I’m a pretty big fan of apples. Gala, Pink Lady, even the venerable Granny Smith… all delicious. Refreshingly sweet and healthy, I almost always have a couple in the refrigerator awaiting consumption. However, apple bruises take all of the joy out of eating one. These soft spots not only taste like something is amiss, but they have a spongy, unsatisfying texture coupled with a sickly brown pall. A surprising (to me, anyway) amount of research has gone into the cause and characterization of apple bruises. For example, according to a study done in the Tree Fruit Postharvest Journal, the average number of bruises per fruit were caused by:

Picking (2.6)
Bin hauling (2.2)
Packing line (5.4)
Bagging (2.7)
Distribution (.34-1.45)

Apple bruises have also been characterized by their electrical impedance in a study by the University of Budapest, although sadly I am not able to access the paper without paying. I’m sure it sent shockwaves through the industry when it was first published. No matter how you want to study or classify these defects of nature, the bottom line is that apple bruises suck, big time.

2. Toll Booths- Anyone that has driven with me on a thruway can attest that I never fail to pick the wrong toll lane. Inevitably the driver in front of me drops their quarter, has to fumble through her purse to find her ticket, or the attendant has to go to the next booth over (Frogger style) to get a roll of dimes. I thought Fastlane would solve this problem, but now I just get stuck behind the obedient drivers that actually slow down to 5 miles per hour to go through the scanner. Come on people, I could read the bytes aloud faster at that pace. I’ve gone through those lanes upwards of 40 mph and never had a problem. And what are tolls actually used for? Please don’t tell me “road maintenance”- at least not on the NYS Thruway or Massachusetts Turnpike. Especially in New York it is painfully obvious that tolls absolutely do not go towards maintenance.

3. Cold spots in the Microwave- Lately I’ve been trying to eat more leftovers and generally decrease the amount of food that I waste. I am happy to report that so far it is going reasonably well. As a result, my tupperware sees a lot of use, mostly for saving meal-sized portions in the refrigerator and then heating them up in the microwave. The microwave should work just fine- it has the rotating plate in the middle and several power settings (but who uses anything but “High” in the first place?), but without fail my food always has a cold spot. For some things this isn’t terribly noticeable (although Popcorn is a different story since you end up with a cup of unpopped kernels covered in the salt/butter substitute), but for others…yeah, not so great. I guess nuclear war would be worse, but a close second is taking a big bite of leftover mashed potatoes and having the bottom half burn your tongue while the upper half gives you a cold headache.

4. Turning lanes- Having lived and worked in the Boston metro area and in Geneva, Switzerland, going from one place to the other is a breeze as far as knowing which lane is the turning lane. The trick? Just give up trying immediately. The concept of a turning lane is very simple; on a two lane road, occasionally expand into 3 lanes at an intersection where the center lane is the left-turn lane. Is that too much to ask? I can’t even count the number of times I’ve almost died swerving back into the through-traffic lane on Commonwealth Avenue because of this travesty of logic. Pair this with the universal experience of catching every red light between points A and B and you begin to understand why I hate driving.

5. Things jingling in your bag with each step- I have the type of job where I can bring a backpack to work and not look like a nerd (what’s a nerd in the middle of 2000 other nerds? “Normal.”) Backpacks, let me just say, are awesome. They distribute weight evenly and can hold a lot of stuff. Unfortunately I usually manage to toss my keys or loose change into the outer pocket in such a way that whenever I take a step I sound like Santa is on final approach. Even more annoying is when things only jingle on one step, or you stop to rearrange things, put your bag back on, and it persists.

6. Coins rejected by vending machines- I do not buy things from vending machines very often, mainly because I don’t particularly like anything in them or I can get the same thing cheaper in the grocery store. But in a pinch, vending machines are great for satisfying that late-afternoon craving. What is not great are those quarters that, no matter how many times you run them through, always come right back out the coin return tray. It also seems like vending machine makers purposely build it out of the loudest material possible. Each time the coin hits the tray, the annoying “ding” mocks you and informs everybody in the immediate vicinity that you are being bested by an inanimate food dispenser. And don’t even get me started on the paper-bill slot.

7. Flickering lights- To be honest, I usually don’t know if this is due to my eyes twitching or the lights flickering. The room will momentarily darken, but when I look at the light fixture in question not only do I hurt my eyes but I can never actually observe it flickering. A watched pot never boils, as they say (which actually isn’t true). Naturally this only happens when I am trying to concentrate on a piece of code or if I’m trying to read. I am suddenly alerted that something is amiss and the thought process starts- are my eyes merely twitching again? Should I be worried? Is there a power surge? Are spirits gathering for an attack from the ether?

8. Flathead (slotted) screws- Someone please explain to me the advantage of flathead screws other than being simple to manufacture. The screwdriver always slips out of the slot, they can’t be used by machines, and there are far better options out there that are just as cheap and don’t cam out. Since you’re forced to replace the head of the screwdriver back in the stupid slot, it takes longer to fasten a slotted screw than a comparable [any type] screw. Flathead screwdrivers are a different story, however, as they can actually be used with several different screwheads. I personally have loosened the following types of screws with a flathead screwdriver on various occasions: Slotted, Philips, Pozidriv, Allen, Torx, Clutch, and Spline drive.

9. Online Banking computer verification pages- A great example of a good concept ruined by bad execution, online banks usually ask you to verify the computer you are logging in from by clicking a link in an e-mail they send you. In theory this helps combat identity theft by linking your online banking with a specific computer or small set of computers that you use on a regular basis. Why then do I have to verify my laptop on average of once every 3 logins? Yes, I’ve counted. All I want to do is view my depressingly small balance from the comfort of my home, not be told that I’ve never logged in from my computer before. I imagine that other banks might have a better system or framework behind this process, but Citizen’s Bank/Bank of America apparently haven’t quite figured it out.

10. Viscous substances that take forever to reach the opening of a container- You know what I’m talking about: hopping into the shower only to discover you only have enough shampoo for one more hair-washing before you need to buy more. You open the cap and turn the bottle upside-down, only to start watching the gel flow to the bottom at a pace that is only slightly above glacial. The substance starts flowing down the sides, except for that little bit that gathers in the center of the container and drizzles towards the nozzle. When you were a kid this was fun to induce because you could make cool patterns on the sides of the bottle by rotating it every which way, but now that you’ve grown up it’s just really, really, annoying. This also happens with honey, molasses, and dish soap, and occurs most often when you are under some sort of time pressure.

What annoys the crap out of you? Leave a comment!

Technorati Tags: Lifestyle, annoyances, inconvenience, electronic tolls, vending machines, online banking, apples, apple bruises, fruit, screwdrivers, types of screws, microwaves

Posted under: Humor, Lifestyle by HP at 03/14/09 11:31 AM